The art of the thank you note

Posted by High Priestess Kang as Etiquette

How dare I overlook the most critical component to this time of year? 

Etiquette.

My parents raised me to be a frumpy, insufferable, tightly wound prig.  Thank you notes, proper table settings and the like.  Now…this is not to say that I always follow the rules, but at least I know them (as Lisar and Lorie will attest - and tease unmercifully)…well enough to feel terribly guilty if I ignore them.

Doogie started a thread on The Local regarding crappy Christmas presents.  We all receive them, be it from some lunatic Aunt or your addle-minded Grammy and Grampy.  While you may be startled, shocked or grossly insulted when you receive that special gift, I choose to turn it into an opportunity for much fun. 

The joy.  The joy lies within the art of the, “thank you note.”  A properly handwritten, sent via post, thank you note.

For your amusement and edification, I should like to present Kang’s guide to writing thank you notes for those very special gifts you receive.  You know, the ones that confound or evoke incredible feelings of hate and anger.

It is a simple formula.

• Greetings and/or Salutations
• Initial expression of gratitude
• Description of how you will put their ”gift” to use
• Follow up expression of gratitude
• Closing

Example:

Dear _________________ (asshat with poor taste):

Thank you so very much for the lovely _________________ (what, exactly, is this supposed to be?).  Your insight (like you really phucking know me if you gave me this cack) and kindness (if you want to call it that.  seems more obligatory in nature to me) truly warm my heart (and make the bile rise in my throat).

I have the most special place to display the ______________ (piece of shit).  I am thinking somewhere near the fireplace (or in the fireplace) would be most appropriate.  This way, I can admire it all year long (and start plotting revenge and cursing your existence).

Many, many thanks for thinking of Dock and me (apparently, not very favorably).  We truly appreciate your kindness (or total sarcasm) and generosity (again…if you want to call that generous).

Much love (phuck you)…

/High Priestess Kang