How I Mine for Housekeeping

So how equal is Sweden, really, if BF wasn’t freaking out about the toilets? You think you are carrying that shame over from the US, and you may be. Why don’t you not clean before people come over and find out if this makes BF comment, or your friends comment…maybe people in Sweden don’t expect a clean house–at least people of your age? Is your BF doing half the housework on a regular basis? If not, then either the balance of work in Sweden isn’t equal, or you’ve signaled that he can slack.

I really doubt men in Sweden do half the housework, but prove me wrong! I’d love it!

Well, he doesn’t care about the toilets. When I said “I’ll have to clean,” he looked around in general disbelief and said, “But why?”

I have a much lower tolerance for clutter and mess than he does.

I don’t want people to come over to what I consider a dirty house though, regardless as to how outmoded the idea of cleaning for company is. I haven’t had negative comments, even when people (including his parents) stop by unexpectedly, but I have had positive ones, so I’m not sure what the expectations are.

He doesn’t do half the cleaning, however he does about half the cooking or more, He also does things like building bookcases (not trivial when you consider the addition of a couple hundred books to the household) and the Cat Containment Unit for our balcony (to keep the cat from falling off the edge). Most chores are divided up based on who hates doing them more, I’d rather do the dishes than cook. He’d rather make a bookshelf than do the laundry. The thing he doesn’t do is expect that chores just gets done around him, he is appreciative of the stuff I do just as much as I am of the stuff he does. He says things like, “You did the laundry! Awesome!” And if I postpone laundry, he doesn’t complain that it hasn’t been done yet. When there is a lot of cleaning to do, he’s right there vacuuming under furniture and scrubbing the tub along with me. He’s also working full time, which I’m not yet, so I think we have a pretty equal split.

As far as Sweden in general, I do think it’s a lot more even. I see dads in the laundry room with their toddlers in tow. When there’s any kind of get-together, at least in the Boyfriend’s circle men are much more involved with the food preparation and set-up than I’m used to in the U.S. (C’mon, standing around the grill drinking beer and rotating burgers is a very minor contribution to the total effort that goes into a big get together.) And when it’s time to clean up, the guys are right there carrying stuff into the kitchen and putting things away. I see a lot more involvement in grocery shopping, with people doing it as couples. (And I discovered the other day, at least one supermarket in our area, an ICA Maxi, which is similar in scope to your average Walmart Supercenter in terms of the type of goods and groceries they stock, has a babysitting room where people can leave their children while they shop. It has a big playground and they make all the kids where these bright red numbered smocks like little prisoners.) And, I also see women out mowing lawns and doing yardwork and outdoor maintenance like painting with greater frequency, so it goes both ways I think.

I know that ICA Maxi!!!! (I’m sure there’s just one in Umea, right?) Never saw the kids with the numbers on them though…I guess you could quickly scan to see if any number is missing easier than trying to remember kids by what they look like. Good thinking again, Swedes!

I like that division on the basis of who objects least to certain chores. Hee. Long ago I had a boyfriend just a tad less movie handsome than Jude Law, but basically the same guy, who told me that he couldn’t marry me cause he couldn’t mow a lawn. I solved that, puffing out my chest proudly,”But I can mow a lawn, and I have!” Not that either of us were ready to get married then…he was just scared because I was so into him. (Hey, he looked good, and he was smart–a spiritual physicist. ) Anyway, back to earth again…I enjoy outdoor chores. I’ve got arthritis now, but I can still get things done.

It might be nice to be in Sweden. But how cool are they about single folks? I don’t know that I’d even want a boyfriend to shop with me. Swedes seem a bit joined at the hip to me. Great if you have kids, but otherwise…I don’t know.

The childcare place is right by the door as you go in. I was there about four times before I realized what it was. I saw a woman dropping her kids off.

I dig that shopping center, it’s walking distance from our house, though usually we shop at Coop because they have an ecologically friendly store brand. I think the ICA has a better selection of “American” food though. We found Doritos and Oreos and Old El Paso chili seasoning at the ICA.

Single/couple status doesn’t seem to matter much as far as things go. I haven’t noticed that drive to balance the sexes on the guest list that sometimes happens in the U.S. I also don’t notice any drive/push to be part of a couple or pressure to up the commitment level in a relationship.

As far as joined at the hip, I’m not sure about other people but we tend to do domestic things together like major grocery shopping, decorating, etc. with some wiggle room for those individual chores. We do things that we enjoy but the other person isn’t really interested in by ourselves. He has a volunteer thing he does on Monday nights with some friends, and he likes outdoor things like camping and orienteering that I’m not really into. I like to go to the library and spending several hours, which is longer than he wants to be there, and he’s not really into the arts (like concerts, theater, art museums, etc.).

So I would say there is more togetherness on a domestic level, but less clingy we-have-to-do-everything-together mentality when it comes to leisure activities and interests.

Very interesting slice of life sort of thing–Thanks for sharing. (I’ll owe you some carrots.) Wow. How amazing that I can “place” you in Umea in my mind.

Now that you’ve told me, I remember where the kids went–maybe. Maybe I’m making it up in retrospect. I don’t remember the numbered kids.

I guess that I like doing the shopping, etc. It may be that I pick up slack for my slacker, and frankly, spoiled by his mother, best friend, and past boyfriends, but I am so used to making decisions, that frankly, I like doing things on my own.

Anyway, nice that the Swedes don’t try to balance the sexes. I heard from my friend that her married sisters and parents always did couple things with other couples, however. Ah. I’m ready (in my mind) for another sojourn there.

Having a partner that actually has an opinion on what color you paint the living room and expresses a preference for a particular style of cutlery or dishware takes some getting used to. I wanted a decorative fruit bowl for the kitchen table not too long after I got here; we went to five or six stores before we found something that we both liked. He actually cared. For us, it’s a matter of coming to a consensus on those kinds of things.

I think that we also tend to default decision making to the person that cares more. I’m much more into organization for the sake of efficiency so if I do something like organize the refrigerator or rearrange the dishes, he doesn’t care. He’s more into doing things like sorting the bookshelves by author, but I don’t have a strong preference for how that’s handled so he does it how he wants it.

Not having been single in Sweden, I can’t say from that perspective, but I can’t think of a single gathering we’ve been to here that has been only couples or anything we’ve done with just another couple.

(Of course, I don’t know how broadly any of my generalizations apply. Maybe Kitten will pop in with some comments on dating Swedish vs. American too.)

Swedish men do help around the house quite a bit. My dad always helped with the dishes and vaccuming, etc. I do the same for Sharkette. I actually enjoy doing the dishes because I know they will be clean when I do it, I’m a bit obsessive compulsive about that. I can’t use the same towel to dry off the dishes as I do washing my hands. They have to be two different towels, and I don’t know why. Also, I hate the little dish washing liquid residue that my dishwasher leaves on the dishes, so I have to do it manually to do it right. There’s also a certain way you have to vaccum the floor, and you have to go over the same spot at least 3 times for all the dirt to be picked up. I also wear a mask when I vaccum so that I don’t breathe in particles. I know there’s a filter on the vaccum, but I don’t trust it. I don’t trust maids because they will just whisk everything under the carpet!

Sweetish men = oxymoron

What are you talking about?