When morons write about music

Posted by Dock Ellis as Guest Author, Rants

I’m used to seeing stupid “music” top 10 lists on mainstream news sites, but tonight I saw such a breathtaking display of tin-eared stupidity that I had to respond. The article in question is Marc Hirsh’s “Terrible Songs From Great Albums”, inexplicably published by MSNBC. I guess it makes sense- MSNBC isn’t a music site, so they probably didn’t have anyone on staff who could tell Hirsh knows about as much about music as your average tone-deaf frat boy.You can read the article here-
poopypants’ article

Hirsh is so out of his depth that he doesn’t even give us any sort of introduction or explain his criteria, he just launches into the sort of half-baked music “criticism” that’s supposed to impress us with how much he knows. After five unconvincing arguments, he gives up and just presents us with a list:

-”The Long And Winding Road” from the Beatles’ “Let It Be”
This is supposed to be a list of bad songs from great albums, right? Then why include this, the worst album the Beatles ever made? Kinda goes against the whole point, doesn’t it? Besides, why pick this song when the album also contains “Dig A Pony” and “For You Blue”?

-”Endless, Nameless” from Nirvana’s “Nevermind”
This song was the perfect coda to an ultra-commercial sellout move of an album. It was so great, a finger in the eye so perfectly aimed, that Geffen pulled it from all subsequent pressings of the CD.

-“EXP” by the Jimi Hendrix Experience’s “Axis: Bold As Love”
It’s not even a song for fuck’s sake… it’s just a joke! Jimi had a hell of a sense of humor, something nerdboy keyboard commandos seem not to understand.

-”D’yer Maker” from Led Zeppelin’s “Houses Of The Holy”
-”Jimmy Jazz” from the Clash’s “London Calling”
-”Love Ain’t For Keeping,” from The Who’s “Who’s Next”
Fuck you, these songs are all great.

-”Welfare Mothers” from Neil Young’s “Rust Never Sleeps”
Sure it’s a dumb garage rocker, but it’s a GOOD dumb garage rocker. Not all songs have to be Art.

-”The Gift,” from the Velvet Underground’s “White Light/White Heat”
Every note the original VU played was complete genius. This douchebag probably didn’t get “Pressed Rat And Warthog”, either. The worst VU song is still better than anything Coldplay or The Strokes have ever done or will ever do.

-”Waiting for the Worms,” from Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”
“The Wall” was not a collection of pop songs. It was a concept album, which requires certain pieces for plot exposition, of which this is one. You can’t evaluate the pieces of an album like this on their individual merit, you have to consider how they fit into the context of the whole. Dumbass.

-”Start Me Up” from the Rolling Stones’ “Tatoo You”
You may be sick of it by now, but this isn’t really a bad song. Especially in the company of “Black Limousine” and “Worried About You”.

-”My World” from Guns N’ Roses’ “Use Your Illusion II”
-”Mother” from the Police’s “Synchronicity”
-”Perfection,” from Run-DMC’s “Raising Hell”
-”The Girl Is Mine” from Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”
-”When It Started” from the Strokes’ “Is This It”
-”Unforgiven,” from Metallica’s black album
-”Candle in the Wind,” form Elton John’s “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road”
-”‘39″ from Queen’s “Night at the Opera”
-”Pollywannacraka: from Pubic Enemy’s “Fear of a Black Planet”
-”Lovesong” from The Cure’s “Disintegration”

None of these are great albums.

The obvious inspiration here is Jimmy Guterman and Owen O’Donnell’s far superior “The Worst Rock n’ Roll Records of All Time”, an absolutely hysterical swipe at the dregs and misfires of rock music that also manages to be sharp and insightful. Find a used copy and forget about this idiot and his half-baked bullshit.