Public Speaking

Posted by High Priestess Kang as Etiquette, Personal

Ugh.

Does anyone actually enjoy standing up and addressing a group of people? If so, please ply me with the drugs you take.

In school, I used to tear through my French Orals with a reckless abandon. Everyone was (mostly) impressed with my abilities to regurgitate garbage and answer questions rather quickly. Let me say this - it had nothing to do with my abilities to speak French. It had everything to do with my fear of standing up and yammering like a blithering idiot in front of a group of people (regardless of the fact that we probably horked over the same bowl the night before at a mixer).

My disdain for speaking aloud was reflected in a production meeting/mockery session at Tragic Boats. The VP of Ops imitated my high-pitched, squeakiness one day to the delight of everyone in the room. Thanks, asshat.

Today, I was thrown in front of a group of unyielding CFOs and fellow corporate comrades. No hiding behind a monitor and the written word for me. I had to speak, briefly and cogently to an audience who could give a rat’s ass about my rationale and only cared about the numbers.

Donning my new wardrobe of slutty librarian, I passed out my wild graphs and addressed the group. No stammering, no sputtering, no giggling…just a basic and somewhat forceful sounding explanation of my thought process. They actually seemed…:gasps:…impressed. Either that, or they were fixed on my b00bs.

Anyhooo…things are going swimmingly well. I’m chirpily explaining some analysis when someone asks me a question. One of my suppliers created a pitiful proposal which will result in a significant loss if anyone converted. The CFO says, “According to your (magnificent, stupendous - ok I added that) graph, such and such would lose money if they…” To which I responded, “That’s correct sir. They would be bathing in shame and loss.” That witty retort was welcomed by a roomful of crickets.

I could have, should have, self-immolated on the spot.

Fortunately for me, these folks seem to understand my rather disturbed sense of humour (or lack thereof) and my, “original” way of speaking. They courteously and professionally allowed me to correct myself with, “Erm…yes. A bath, indeed.”

Mayhap it’s best that I stay behind a monitor.

Slutty librarian gear, cats-eye glasses, tousled bed-head and all.