Racist Piece Of Shit Jesse Helms Is Dead

Posted by Dock Ellis as Celebrations, Guest Author, LOL Douchebags, Op/Ed, Politics

July 4, 2008 was a great day for America- it was the day we were finally rid of the cancer known as Jesse Helms. Helms was an evil, racist man who repeatedly tried to send our nation back to the dark ages with his hypocritical mix of professed christianity, support for big business, and hatred/fear of anyone who wasn’t white and heterosexual. The modern Neocon movement has its beginnings with Helms’ early understanding that scared, angry white men vote in droves.

To give the devil his due, Helms was one of the most effective operators in 20th century American politics. He (along with fellow racist Strom Thurmond) brought the south out of it’s antebellum political rut and helped found the Republican juggernaut that rapes our land today. Helms was in the first wave of politicians that revived the Republican party in the south with a molotov coctail of religion, racism, and good ol’ boy populism.  “White people, wake up before it is too late. Do you want Negroes working beside you, your wife and your daughters, in your mills and factories?” read a 1950 ad Helms worked on for Senator  Willis Smith.  He also famously referred to the 1964 Civil Rights Act as “the single most dangerous piece of legislation ever introduced in the Congress”.

In 1972,  Helms became the first Republican Senator from North Carolina of the 20th century. Four years later he backed Ronald Reagan in the state’s presidential primary, handing Reagan’s lost cause campaign a victory that revived him enough to pose a serious challenge to  Gerald Ford at the Republican convention that year. Reagan lost the primary, but was positioned to take the party’s nomination in 1980- something that would have been impossible without the 1976 win in North Carolina.

Helms was savvy enough to know that fear and divisiveness alone don’t ensure victory at the polls, so he often resorted to old-fashioned cheating.  Helms’ North Carolina Congressional Club was repeatedly fined by the Federal Election Commission for illegally financing his campaigns. In 1992, the Helms campaign itself was penalized by the FEC for for mailing postcards to 125,000 black voters, threatening them with jail if they tried to exercise their right to vote.

For someone who professed such deep christianity, Helms racked up quite a reputation as a slumlord in Raleigh, even having separate management companies to handle his properties in the white and black sections of town.

It would be nice to believe that the death of Jesse Helms is symbolic of the decline of the politics of fear in our country- that maybe someday raising a boogyman (communists, blacks, muslims, gays, etc) won’t be enough to win elections or push agendas that go against the interests of average, working Americans.

I guess we’ll see in November.

Bo Diddley, 1928-2008

Posted by Dock Ellis as Guest Author

You may not be familiar with his work, but Bo Diddley was a rock & roll pioneer on par with Chuck Berry, Carl Perkins, and that cracker from Memphis who used to wear a white jumpsuit. It’s a shame that in an age when that dumbass from American Idol gets called a “rocker”, we’re losing the old guard when we need them more than ever.

About 15 years ago I was working for a PA company in Denver, and we got hired to do a 20th wedding anniversary party at the Jerome hotel in Aspen. The customer was a wealthy developer who wanted to show off how rich he was by throwing a lavish party- standard issue stuff. The talent included the Spinners and Bo Diddley.

There was a catered lunch for the crew, and as I sat down to eat Bo walked in, carrying his square guitar case. He’d just gotten in from the airport.

“Hey man, can I grab a sandwich?” he asked.

“Sure” I said, “but they’ve got a hospitality suite for you down the hall if you want”

“Aw, fuck that- I’d rather eat with y’all if it’s OK”

So that’s how I had lunch with Bo Diddley. He was really cool- we shot the shit for awhile, and he told me that he hated doing corporate gigs being background music for rich people, but the money was too good to pass up. I told him I completely understood.

The gig itself was predictably boring. The entertainment is never the primary focus at events like these, it really is just like muzak. Bo was playing with a pickup function band from Denver, and like all such bands they were lame as a three legged horse. He had a couple new songs he was doing, and he was visibly frustrated that no one was paying any attention to his performance, and that his band wasn’t capable of generating any enthusiasm anyway.

Then, he broke a string. They finished up the song, and Bo started to restring. The FOH engineer (I was just a stage tech that night) muted his mic, but Bo was playing through a (rented) JC120. Just as he started to tune up, he cranked that thing wide open.JC120s are very, very loud. Bo then serenaded the monied elite of Aspen with his own special version of that old Chinese folk song Tu Ning for about five minutes. Every time he got the tuning close, he’d knock it out again and start over. It was hilarious. People started clapping their hands over their ears and storming out, and in the end, he pretty much cleared the hall.

He wasn’t done, though. After giving up on tuning (it was even more out of tune than when he’d started), he started beating on the guitar. He wasn’t really playing notes or chords, it was just a percussive roar of pure aggression. It sounded like a jet engine about to explode- Sonic Youth had nothing on this. Then, he stepped up to the mic and started screaming. No lyrics or melody, just a primal wail with a few choice profanities thrown in.The guys in the pickup band looked like deer in a spotlight. They just froze in horror as retirement age Bo started careening across the stage, duckwalking and doing Pete Townshendesque windmills. Finally, the drummer started in with the trademark Bo Diddley beat, and the other guys joined in. Bo then started playing slide with his mic stand. It was an apocalypse of explosive cacophony.

Finally, Bo leaned his guitar against the amp and stormed off stage. The guitar screamed with feedback for about a minute until the guitarist with the pickup band switched the amp off. I have never seen anything that embodied the pure rebellious spirit of rock & roll more than Bo Diddley did that night in Aspen. Rest in peace, brother.

When morons write about music

Posted by Dock Ellis as Guest Author, Rants

I’m used to seeing stupid “music” top 10 lists on mainstream news sites, but tonight I saw such a breathtaking display of tin-eared stupidity that I had to respond. The article in question is Marc Hirsh’s “Terrible Songs From Great Albums”, inexplicably published by MSNBC. I guess it makes sense- MSNBC isn’t a music site, so they probably didn’t have anyone on staff who could tell Hirsh knows about as much about music as your average tone-deaf frat boy.You can read the article here-
poopypants’ article

Hirsh is so out of his depth that he doesn’t even give us any sort of introduction or explain his criteria, he just launches into the sort of half-baked music “criticism” that’s supposed to impress us with how much he knows. After five unconvincing arguments, he gives up and just presents us with a list:

-”The Long And Winding Road” from the Beatles’ “Let It Be”
This is supposed to be a list of bad songs from great albums, right? Then why include this, the worst album the Beatles ever made? Kinda goes against the whole point, doesn’t it? Besides, why pick this song when the album also contains “Dig A Pony” and “For You Blue”?

-”Endless, Nameless” from Nirvana’s “Nevermind”
This song was the perfect coda to an ultra-commercial sellout move of an album. It was so great, a finger in the eye so perfectly aimed, that Geffen pulled it from all subsequent pressings of the CD.

-“EXP” by the Jimi Hendrix Experience’s “Axis: Bold As Love”
It’s not even a song for fuck’s sake… it’s just a joke! Jimi had a hell of a sense of humor, something nerdboy keyboard commandos seem not to understand.

-”D’yer Maker” from Led Zeppelin’s “Houses Of The Holy”
-”Jimmy Jazz” from the Clash’s “London Calling”
-”Love Ain’t For Keeping,” from The Who’s “Who’s Next”
Fuck you, these songs are all great.

-”Welfare Mothers” from Neil Young’s “Rust Never Sleeps”
Sure it’s a dumb garage rocker, but it’s a GOOD dumb garage rocker. Not all songs have to be Art.

-”The Gift,” from the Velvet Underground’s “White Light/White Heat”
Every note the original VU played was complete genius. This douchebag probably didn’t get “Pressed Rat And Warthog”, either. The worst VU song is still better than anything Coldplay or The Strokes have ever done or will ever do.

-”Waiting for the Worms,” from Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”
“The Wall” was not a collection of pop songs. It was a concept album, which requires certain pieces for plot exposition, of which this is one. You can’t evaluate the pieces of an album like this on their individual merit, you have to consider how they fit into the context of the whole. Dumbass.

-”Start Me Up” from the Rolling Stones’ “Tatoo You”
You may be sick of it by now, but this isn’t really a bad song. Especially in the company of “Black Limousine” and “Worried About You”.

-”My World” from Guns N’ Roses’ “Use Your Illusion II”
-”Mother” from the Police’s “Synchronicity”
-”Perfection,” from Run-DMC’s “Raising Hell”
-”The Girl Is Mine” from Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”
-”When It Started” from the Strokes’ “Is This It”
-”Unforgiven,” from Metallica’s black album
-”Candle in the Wind,” form Elton John’s “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road”
-”‘39″ from Queen’s “Night at the Opera”
-”Pollywannacraka: from Pubic Enemy’s “Fear of a Black Planet”
-”Lovesong” from The Cure’s “Disintegration”

None of these are great albums.

The obvious inspiration here is Jimmy Guterman and Owen O’Donnell’s far superior “The Worst Rock n’ Roll Records of All Time”, an absolutely hysterical swipe at the dregs and misfires of rock music that also manages to be sharp and insightful. Find a used copy and forget about this idiot and his half-baked bullshit.

Because we haven’t talked about abortion in a while.

Posted by Ming the Merciless as Guest Author, Ming the Merciless, Op/Ed, Politics, Rants, Religion

In response to a statment that “unborn children” have a right to life:

“But no one has the right to live off another human being against their will either, which is why we don’t have legislation forcing the donation of blood, marrow, and other other organs. One thing recognized in the civilized nations of the world is an individual’s–man or woman (at least in theory)–basic right to physical sovereignty. This is also why we outlaw slavery.

You may find abortion morally reprehensible, unconscionable, and even an offense worthy of eternal damnation, but if the argument is that a fetus qualifies as a person with all the attendant rights and protections thereof, it must also be subject to the same responsibilities and limitations. And one of those limitations is that it may not force the involuntary physical or biological servitude of another, regardless of the cost to the fetus. Just as you cannot force someone else to donate bone marrow to you even if you would die without it.

The choice to allow another person to use your body as a life support system, and to face all the attendant physical dangers that places you in, should always reside with you, and you alone. It’s a decision that you should be able to make for yourself, taking into account your beliefs, your circumstances, and what is physically, mentally, and emotionally the best choice for you without a course of action being forced on you by the state, a religion (and not necessarily your own, at that), or another person.

And approaching it intelligently, that also entails a responsible society that will provide for the needs of a child (including food, shelter, clothing, and education) when the parent or parents are unable to do so, and without removing the child from the parent–the pat suggestion that someone birth children in order to relenquish them for adoption if they are unable to provide for them turns my stomach, especially considering all the unwanted, unloved children already in existence that are suffering in orphanages and foster care systems. Unfortunately the ability to provide for a child often weighs heavily in the decision to have an abortion. I personally find that a terrible affront to the concept of choice.”

(Quoted with permission of the author)

Guitar Hero

Posted by Dock Ellis as Guest Author, Music

Ok, maybe I’m just an old fart- but when I was a kid, “Guitar Hero” meant this:

Not this:

God Julukkah!

Posted by Ming the Merciless as Blogging, Ming the Merciless

and Happy Holidays, Ms. K.

Here’s your Julukkah present.

It’s only the first version, so if there’s anything you would like a little different, let me know. Also, I’ll make you a non-holiday banner.

<3

Pink for October

Posted by Ming the Merciless as Guest Author, Ming the Merciless

Yes, The World According to Kang has gone pink.

It’s for the month of October, to raise awareness about breast cancer.

Don’t worry, we’ll return to a surly, disillusioned color scheme in November.

China Moves Up In the World: Gets Lake Monster

Posted by Ming the Merciless as Guest Author, Ming the Merciless

In a controversial decision, the deteriorating post-imperial United Kingdom decided to raise some quick cash, which they desperately need after clinging to the coattails of the colonial lunatic and landing smack in the middle of the Iraq fiasco. Rather than continue following in the footsteps of everyone’s favorite former colony in the Americas (no, not Canada!) where they simply sell their country outright, instead those wily British have offloaded that national treasure, the Loch Ness Monster, to the Chinese.

The Chinese have provided this video of “The Lake Monster Formerly Known as Nessie” enjoying his new habitat of Lake Kanasi.

No word yet on whether they will chop him up and sell his bits as fertility supplements and aphrodisiacs. Keep an eye on your spam-box for updates.

Some things to think about.

Posted by Ming the Merciless as Guest Author, Ming the Merciless

Iraq. Haditha. Blackwater. George W. Bush. Abu Ghraib. Guantanamo Bay. Rendition. George W. Bush. Torture. Downing Street Memo. Scooter Libby. George W. Bush. Karl Rove. Domestic surveillance. Halliburton. George W. Bush. Dick Cheney. The Patriot Act. Civil liberties. George W. Bush.

The mass of men serve the state thus, not as men mainly, but as machines, with their bodies. They are the standing army, and the militia, jailors, constables, posse comitatus, etc. In most cases there is no free exercise whatever of the judgment or of the moral sense; but they put themselves on a level with wood and earth and stones; and wooden men can perhaps be manufactured that will serve the purpose as well. Such command no more respect than men of straw or a lump of dirt. They have the same sort of worth only as horses and dogs. Yet such as these are commonly esteemed good citizens. Others–as most legislators, politicians, lawyers, ministers, and officeholders–serve the state chiefly with their heads; and, as they rarely make any moral distinctions, they are as likely to serve the Devil, without intending it, as God. A very few, as heroes, patriots, martyrs, reformers in the great sense, and men, serve the state with their consciences also, and so necessarily resist it for the most part; and they are commonly treated as enemies by it.

Henry David Thoreau
Civil Disobedience

Lancome Response

Posted by Ming the Merciless as Guest Author, Ming the Merciless, Tentacle Wagging

Here’s the official Lancome response, folks. According to them, they don’t test finished products on animals. That gives them a lot of wiggle room, so it’s probably safe to say that within the production chain somewhere components of Lancome products are tested on animals. Realistically, if they weren’t, Lancome would have been boasting about it.

From: Consumer Affairs, Lancome (Internet)
To: Ming the Merciless
Date: Fri, Aug 17, 2007 at 7:07 PM
Subject: Ref # 42XXXXX

August 17, 2007

The safety of our consumers is our highest priority at Lancôme, a division of L’Oréal USA, Inc., and we can assure you that our products go through extensive testing to provide the best and safest possible products for our consumers.

L’Oréal is committed to the elimination of animal testing. In 1989, L’Oréal ended all animal testing on its finished products. However, various national and international regulations still require additional testing to guarantee the safety of new ingredients. L’Oréal meets all governmental safety requirements in the 130 countries in which our products are sold.

For more information about L’Oréal’s commitment to the elimination of animal testing, please refer to L’Oréal’s Sustainable Development Report, which is posted on our company’s global website www.loreal.com.

If you are unable to click on the link, copy and paste it into the Address line of your browser. Then click Go or hit Enter on your keyboard.

We appreciate your interest in Lancôme and we hope this information is helpful.

Sincerely,
XXXXXXXXXXX
Consumer Affairs Advisor
Ref # 42XXXXX