Public Speaking

Posted by High Priestess Kang as Etiquette, Personal

Ugh.

Does anyone actually enjoy standing up and addressing a group of people? If so, please ply me with the drugs you take.

In school, I used to tear through my French Orals with a reckless abandon. Everyone was (mostly) impressed with my abilities to regurgitate garbage and answer questions rather quickly. Let me say this - it had nothing to do with my abilities to speak French. It had everything to do with my fear of standing up and yammering like a blithering idiot in front of a group of people (regardless of the fact that we probably horked over the same bowl the night before at a mixer).

My disdain for speaking aloud was reflected in a production meeting/mockery session at Tragic Boats. The VP of Ops imitated my high-pitched, squeakiness one day to the delight of everyone in the room. Thanks, asshat.

Today, I was thrown in front of a group of unyielding CFOs and fellow corporate comrades. No hiding behind a monitor and the written word for me. I had to speak, briefly and cogently to an audience who could give a rat’s ass about my rationale and only cared about the numbers.

Donning my new wardrobe of slutty librarian, I passed out my wild graphs and addressed the group. No stammering, no sputtering, no giggling…just a basic and somewhat forceful sounding explanation of my thought process. They actually seemed…:gasps:…impressed. Either that, or they were fixed on my b00bs.

Anyhooo…things are going swimmingly well. I’m chirpily explaining some analysis when someone asks me a question. One of my suppliers created a pitiful proposal which will result in a significant loss if anyone converted. The CFO says, “According to your (magnificent, stupendous - ok I added that) graph, such and such would lose money if they…” To which I responded, “That’s correct sir. They would be bathing in shame and loss.” That witty retort was welcomed by a roomful of crickets.

I could have, should have, self-immolated on the spot.

Fortunately for me, these folks seem to understand my rather disturbed sense of humour (or lack thereof) and my, “original” way of speaking. They courteously and professionally allowed me to correct myself with, “Erm…yes. A bath, indeed.”

Mayhap it’s best that I stay behind a monitor.

Slutty librarian gear, cats-eye glasses, tousled bed-head and all.

The art of the thank you note

Posted by High Priestess Kang as Etiquette

How dare I overlook the most critical component to this time of year? 

Etiquette.

My parents raised me to be a frumpy, insufferable, tightly wound prig.  Thank you notes, proper table settings and the like.  Now…this is not to say that I always follow the rules, but at least I know them (as Lisar and Lorie will attest - and tease unmercifully)…well enough to feel terribly guilty if I ignore them.

Doogie started a thread on The Local regarding crappy Christmas presents.  We all receive them, be it from some lunatic Aunt or your addle-minded Grammy and Grampy.  While you may be startled, shocked or grossly insulted when you receive that special gift, I choose to turn it into an opportunity for much fun. 

The joy.  The joy lies within the art of the, “thank you note.”  A properly handwritten, sent via post, thank you note.

For your amusement and edification, I should like to present Kang’s guide to writing thank you notes for those very special gifts you receive.  You know, the ones that confound or evoke incredible feelings of hate and anger.

It is a simple formula.

• Greetings and/or Salutations
• Initial expression of gratitude
• Description of how you will put their ”gift” to use
• Follow up expression of gratitude
• Closing

Example:

Dear _________________ (asshat with poor taste):

Thank you so very much for the lovely _________________ (what, exactly, is this supposed to be?).  Your insight (like you really phucking know me if you gave me this cack) and kindness (if you want to call it that.  seems more obligatory in nature to me) truly warm my heart (and make the bile rise in my throat).

I have the most special place to display the ______________ (piece of shit).  I am thinking somewhere near the fireplace (or in the fireplace) would be most appropriate.  This way, I can admire it all year long (and start plotting revenge and cursing your existence).

Many, many thanks for thinking of Dock and me (apparently, not very favorably).  We truly appreciate your kindness (or total sarcasm) and generosity (again…if you want to call that generous).

Much love (phuck you)…

/High Priestess Kang