Public Speaking

Posted by High Priestess Kang as Etiquette, Personal

Ugh.

Does anyone actually enjoy standing up and addressing a group of people? If so, please ply me with the drugs you take.

In school, I used to tear through my French Orals with a reckless abandon. Everyone was (mostly) impressed with my abilities to regurgitate garbage and answer questions rather quickly. Let me say this - it had nothing to do with my abilities to speak French. It had everything to do with my fear of standing up and yammering like a blithering idiot in front of a group of people (regardless of the fact that we probably horked over the same bowl the night before at a mixer).

My disdain for speaking aloud was reflected in a production meeting/mockery session at Tragic Boats. The VP of Ops imitated my high-pitched, squeakiness one day to the delight of everyone in the room. Thanks, asshat.

Today, I was thrown in front of a group of unyielding CFOs and fellow corporate comrades. No hiding behind a monitor and the written word for me. I had to speak, briefly and cogently to an audience who could give a rat’s ass about my rationale and only cared about the numbers.

Donning my new wardrobe of slutty librarian, I passed out my wild graphs and addressed the group. No stammering, no sputtering, no giggling…just a basic and somewhat forceful sounding explanation of my thought process. They actually seemed…:gasps:…impressed. Either that, or they were fixed on my b00bs.

Anyhooo…things are going swimmingly well. I’m chirpily explaining some analysis when someone asks me a question. One of my suppliers created a pitiful proposal which will result in a significant loss if anyone converted. The CFO says, “According to your (magnificent, stupendous - ok I added that) graph, such and such would lose money if they…” To which I responded, “That’s correct sir. They would be bathing in shame and loss.” That witty retort was welcomed by a roomful of crickets.

I could have, should have, self-immolated on the spot.

Fortunately for me, these folks seem to understand my rather disturbed sense of humour (or lack thereof) and my, “original” way of speaking. They courteously and professionally allowed me to correct myself with, “Erm…yes. A bath, indeed.”

Mayhap it’s best that I stay behind a monitor.

Slutty librarian gear, cats-eye glasses, tousled bed-head and all.

Garfield Minus Garfield

Posted by High Priestess Kang as Amusement

I take no credit for this find. Blame VikingHumpingWitch.

moar

My life…

Posted by High Priestess Kang as Personal

…as a consultant…

The average day now consists of:

• wake up
• stare at news
• throw on suit
• drive to work
• drop spores under fluorescent lighting
• molder in meetings
• demonstrate mad spreadsheet wizardry with formulas and graphs (yet - I couldn’t pass a math class at Uni if I tried)
• drink lunch over sink in kitchen
• more meetings, spreadsheets and spore dropping
• get in car
• rot in traffic
• come home
• kick dog (not really)
• get abused by cats
• hop over various guitar projects in living room
• eat take-away
• stare at tv
• troll internets
• fall asleep with book on face

Seriously. I absophuckinglutely love my job. I really do. And now that I have hired someone to clean up the house and take care of neglected domestic duties, I’m free to focus on work work work. w00t! The best part about being a consultant - no one micromanages you. No one tells you what to do. Particularly if you’re not having to truly log face time with the customer. Just throw on a suit, pull up a complex spreadsheet and people have a tendency to steer clear.

Now…if I could only find the time to address my neglected social responsibilities, I would be good to go. As it stands right now, I’m fighting the urge to fall asleep before the end of American Idol. Damn HenrythePenguin for getting me hooked on this shit.  Damn David Cook for reminding me of a younger version of Dock Ellis.

Lastly…Obama or Clinton? The primary is two weeks away and I’m actually undecided. I’m one of those idiots I criticize ad nauseam for not being able to make up her mind. Hooray for gross indifference.

Kang’s big journey to Texas…

Posted by High Priestess Kang as Travel, Uncategorized

Some snaps, taken by the crappy iPhone camera, of the canal near KangEmployerHeadquarters:

Candid (Commuter) Camera

Posted by High Priestess Kang as Observations

Traffic has been sheer hell in this area for the past week. I’m not sure what happens, but about every three or four months, the commuters of the Raleigh-Durham Metro area lodge their heads up their asses and create all sorts of commotion on our local roadways. In no mood to deal with a hellish commute today, I opt for the back-roads, ’round the airport and through North West Raleigh to make my way home.

Lo and behold, as I’m tooling down Westgate, some asshat gardener (note: not all gardeners are asshats and not all asshats are gardeners) decides to make a right turn into flowing traffic at a snail’s pace. I slow Inga down just in time to discover that this gardening truck, which can make a turn at lightning-quickness, is moving along with the swiftness of your average 90 year-old, blue-haired lady with the blinkers flashing. Phucking lovely. I toot the horn of doom to display my disgust, pass the shithead on the left and get to a traffic light (joy!). My fun did not end there.

The next thing I know, this douchebag hops out of his gardenwagon and appears at my door! This alarms me, as I am a female and I’m not very comfortable with being approached by strange, dirty men. I lock the door and fumble for my phone. He glares into my vehicle and makes some obscene hand-gestures. Yes. I encountered a renaissance gentleman.

By the time I had the iPhone out of its Sock Monkey case, the brave, macho man had returned to his truck. So, I decided to have a little fun.

I took his picture.

Unfortunately, the iPhone doesn’t have a zoom, so I’m sort of limited with my photographic abilities. I did manage to capture this image. And…if you look closely, you can see Mr. Brave covering his face.

My goal was to snap a picture of the license plate, as well. Unfortunately for me, Mr. Brave realized I was a little savvier than he had estimated and dropped far back into traffic so I couldn’t return the favor of ass-banditry.

:sighs:

I have decided that I’m going to start snapping photos of random asshats in vehicles for lulz. Just because.

Consider it the new, “up-skirting.” “Kang’s Handy-Dandy Guide to Douchebags on the Road in Raleigh.”

When morons write about music

Posted by Dock Ellis as Guest Author, Rants

I’m used to seeing stupid “music” top 10 lists on mainstream news sites, but tonight I saw such a breathtaking display of tin-eared stupidity that I had to respond. The article in question is Marc Hirsh’s “Terrible Songs From Great Albums”, inexplicably published by MSNBC. I guess it makes sense- MSNBC isn’t a music site, so they probably didn’t have anyone on staff who could tell Hirsh knows about as much about music as your average tone-deaf frat boy.You can read the article here-
poopypants’ article

Hirsh is so out of his depth that he doesn’t even give us any sort of introduction or explain his criteria, he just launches into the sort of half-baked music “criticism” that’s supposed to impress us with how much he knows. After five unconvincing arguments, he gives up and just presents us with a list:

-”The Long And Winding Road” from the Beatles’ “Let It Be”
This is supposed to be a list of bad songs from great albums, right? Then why include this, the worst album the Beatles ever made? Kinda goes against the whole point, doesn’t it? Besides, why pick this song when the album also contains “Dig A Pony” and “For You Blue”?

-”Endless, Nameless” from Nirvana’s “Nevermind”
This song was the perfect coda to an ultra-commercial sellout move of an album. It was so great, a finger in the eye so perfectly aimed, that Geffen pulled it from all subsequent pressings of the CD.

-“EXP” by the Jimi Hendrix Experience’s “Axis: Bold As Love”
It’s not even a song for fuck’s sake… it’s just a joke! Jimi had a hell of a sense of humor, something nerdboy keyboard commandos seem not to understand.

-”D’yer Maker” from Led Zeppelin’s “Houses Of The Holy”
-”Jimmy Jazz” from the Clash’s “London Calling”
-”Love Ain’t For Keeping,” from The Who’s “Who’s Next”
Fuck you, these songs are all great.

-”Welfare Mothers” from Neil Young’s “Rust Never Sleeps”
Sure it’s a dumb garage rocker, but it’s a GOOD dumb garage rocker. Not all songs have to be Art.

-”The Gift,” from the Velvet Underground’s “White Light/White Heat”
Every note the original VU played was complete genius. This douchebag probably didn’t get “Pressed Rat And Warthog”, either. The worst VU song is still better than anything Coldplay or The Strokes have ever done or will ever do.

-”Waiting for the Worms,” from Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”
“The Wall” was not a collection of pop songs. It was a concept album, which requires certain pieces for plot exposition, of which this is one. You can’t evaluate the pieces of an album like this on their individual merit, you have to consider how they fit into the context of the whole. Dumbass.

-”Start Me Up” from the Rolling Stones’ “Tatoo You”
You may be sick of it by now, but this isn’t really a bad song. Especially in the company of “Black Limousine” and “Worried About You”.

-”My World” from Guns N’ Roses’ “Use Your Illusion II”
-”Mother” from the Police’s “Synchronicity”
-”Perfection,” from Run-DMC’s “Raising Hell”
-”The Girl Is Mine” from Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”
-”When It Started” from the Strokes’ “Is This It”
-”Unforgiven,” from Metallica’s black album
-”Candle in the Wind,” form Elton John’s “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road”
-”‘39″ from Queen’s “Night at the Opera”
-”Pollywannacraka: from Pubic Enemy’s “Fear of a Black Planet”
-”Lovesong” from The Cure’s “Disintegration”

None of these are great albums.

The obvious inspiration here is Jimmy Guterman and Owen O’Donnell’s far superior “The Worst Rock n’ Roll Records of All Time”, an absolutely hysterical swipe at the dregs and misfires of rock music that also manages to be sharp and insightful. Find a used copy and forget about this idiot and his half-baked bullshit.

It’s hard to be excited for a wet blanket

Posted by High Priestess Kang as Personal

We all know someone who is so exceedingly negative that the mere act of peering in on their lives becomes an exercise in futility and utter frustration.  Granted, I’m as cynical as the next person, but I can certainly thank my lucky stars and share my joy when good things happen upon me.

Then, there is the wet blanket.  The person that, no matter what happens to them, their life is total shit.  They are their own martyr.  They constructed their own cross to bear.  And, they do it eloquently, deploying words to paint a picture of their own, odious suffering and turmoil.

As I sit, very busy but very happy with my new job, I want to not let wet blanket cloud my happy place.  Unfortunately, sometimes you cannot escape the smelly, wet blanket and you, yourself, turn into something bitter and annoying - through mere association.

It totally sucks having that element shit on your parade.

I suppose I will never understand what it’s like to have to complain about every single phucking thing that goes on around you.  Isn’t life too damn short.

And…

…to be utterly selfish…

…it deprives me of the right to share in the joy or celebration.  I want to smack that bitch upside the head with my happy stick in an attempt to make her happy.

Unfortunately, that would be a waste of time.

So, I eat chocolate and think of lulzy caek instead.

See if you can guess where I am now!

Posted by High Priestess Kang as Travel

Must be a fan of The Simpsons for this one.  Alas, if you’re not (and shame on you), I am currently in Dallas, Texas.  To be exact, a TGIFriday’s in DFW airport, nursing one glass of water with a slice of lemon and one mediocre Cosmopolitan.  I am waiting for my flight to fall victim to American Airlines’ complete goat-phuck of a safety scenario.

Three hours prior to departure, they insist I’m getting out of here.  I have no delusions of grandeur, however.

Of all the things I have noticed about life in Texas…the women are G-d Awful, Motherphucking Hideous Beasts.  Seriously.  I have no idea what passes for style in this part of the world other than COMPLETELYPHUCKINGTACKY.

:hic:

Bev Perdue…

Posted by High Priestess Kang as Politics, Tentacle Wagging

…thinks the citizens of North Carolina are idiots. Or at least her campaign staff does.

Since late January, early February, North Carolina Gubernatorial candidate, Bev Perdue has been spewing her vitriol in television commercials. Instead of focusing on the issues at hand, Ms Perdue has unleashed her inner fury and frustration on fellow candidate, Richard Moore.

I had been meaning to send a little note to Perdue’s campaign staff. Alas, between the vigil for John Aherne and my new job, other things took precedence. Monday night, an article on WRAL’s website reminded me that I had been remiss in my duties as a good steward of the electoral process. I managed to carve out a few moments to write the following:

I have been meaning to send a message to Ms Perdue regarding the campaign ads on television as of late. Fortunately, WRAL’s website reported this story: http://www.wral.com/news/local/politics/story/2655617/ which served as a wonderful reminder.

I must say that I am entirely appalled by Ms Perdue’s behavior with respect to the Gubernatorial Campaign. I am currently an undecided, registered Democrat. I recognize the fine service both Ms Perdue and Mr Moore have provided/performed for our State. Ms Perdue’s incessant barrage of negative attacks on Mr Moore have been nothing but repugnant and a detriment to the cause of keeping the Democrat party in the Governor’s office.

I iterate that I remain undecided at this point in time. However, if Ms Perdue and campaign staff does not cease with the unnecessary vitriol, I will be happily voting for Mr Moore.

Shame on your campaign for this blatant level of hypocrisy. You must believe the entire electorate is completely devoid of any intelligence if you think that anyone would accept Ms Perdue’s flagrant coquettishness and ridiculous position regarding negativity given that she is so astute in dishing it out. I cannot decide whether the campaign or Ms Perdue is at fault for this form of low-brow behavior. But the article referenced above does not positively reflect on the campaign given what I have been subjected to whilst I attempt to watch television.

/High Priestess Kang
Raleigh, NC

The kind folks of Ms Perdue’s campaign responded with the following:

Dear High Priestess Kang,

We would MUCH rather talk about the issues facing the next governor of North Carolina and that is what this campaign has been focused on. Bev Perdue has released many detailed policy proposals, made many important speeches. Our ad campaign was focused on what Bev will do for the future of our state.

Unfortunately Richard Moore began the negative attacks almost two weeks ago, and we are in a position where we must respond. Too often Democrats have learned the hard way what happens when you don’t fight back. It’s unfortunate that’s the way campaigns are run.

Remember that while attacks between the campaigns continue, that does not stop Bev from talking about the real issues that will confront the next governor. Thanks for the e-mail. We certainly sympathize with your concerns.

Sincerely,
Kathryn Hughes
Bev Perdue Camp
klhughes@bevperdue.com

HUH?

How did I fail to make myself clear? These commercials, these attack ads, have been airing since late winter. It’s phucking April. There is no way these people think I cannot read a calendar properly.

Wow.

Ms Perdue’s negative ads have been airing far longer than the past two weeks so I highly doubt the campaign is simply, “reacting.” You must think I am a complete moron.

If you truly, “sympathize” you would simply take the high road and focus on the issues. There is nothing wrong with exhibiting a bit of class and dignity.

Let the Republicans act poorly. That’s their milieu; not yours.

/High Priestess Kang

What I have learned from this exchange:

• Bev Perdue’s campaign staff underestimates the intelligence of the electorate
• Bev Perdue’s campaign staff feels poor behavior is tolerable
• Bev Perdue’s campaign staff obviously lacks in reading comprehension abilities *or* doesn’t take the time to listen to the issues

Given the above, I can say, with certainty that I will be marching off to the polls on Primary Day to vote for Richard Moore. If this group of rabid tossers cannot listen to a concerned citizen during the campaign season, what on earth would leave me to believe they would listen to the voters about anything during service?

I have no delusions of grandeur. Nor do I feel that my thoughts are of such esteemed importance that I should be listened to all of the time (ok…I do). But this exchange, this display of utter ambivalence grinds my gears and frustrates me to no end.

It’s one thing to (inherently) know that elected officials view us all as common tools. It’s another thing to have the shit in your mailbox after a long day of work, earning income and putting taxes back into a system where only a few will ever reap benefits.

In memoriam

Posted by High Priestess Kang as Sweden

It is with a very heavy heart that I share some tragic news.  The body of John Aherne has been recovered from the waters of Stockholm.  I, along with many, find myself at a loss for words.

I have never met John.  Nor have I met Karl in person.  However, one doesn’t really need to meet people face to face to develop a bond with them, to care about them, to bring them into one’s heart and love them, support them.

I think of the cliche, “You are judged by the company you keep.”  In this particular instance, after spending several days interacting with the friends and family of John Aherne, I am certain that John was a marvelous creature.  A wonderful man with a giant heart.  The photographs I have seen depict a man with an endearing smile and a twinkle of mischief in his eyes.  I am also certain that John’s friends, family and Karl are of the same cloth.  Wonderful.  Caring.  Endearing.  Kind.

There are neither words nor actions which can ease the pain, protect the suffering from grief and offer some sort of comfort.  There is no magic wand.  There is no way to und0 what has happened.  We, as a community, are rendered helpless, overcome with sadness at the loss of a promising, young life.

At this point in time, we can only take refuge in knowing that we have he will forever live in our memories, having touched everyone in such unique ways. 

Rest in peace, John.

Bless the Ahernes, friends and Karl.