Racist Piece Of Shit Jesse Helms Is Dead

Posted by Dock Ellis as Celebrations, Guest Author, LOL Douchebags, Op/Ed, Politics

July 4, 2008 was a great day for America- it was the day we were finally rid of the cancer known as Jesse Helms. Helms was an evil, racist man who repeatedly tried to send our nation back to the dark ages with his hypocritical mix of professed christianity, support for big business, and hatred/fear of anyone who wasn’t white and heterosexual. The modern Neocon movement has its beginnings with Helms’ early understanding that scared, angry white men vote in droves.

To give the devil his due, Helms was one of the most effective operators in 20th century American politics. He (along with fellow racist Strom Thurmond) brought the south out of it’s antebellum political rut and helped found the Republican juggernaut that rapes our land today. Helms was in the first wave of politicians that revived the Republican party in the south with a molotov coctail of religion, racism, and good ol’ boy populism.  “White people, wake up before it is too late. Do you want Negroes working beside you, your wife and your daughters, in your mills and factories?” read a 1950 ad Helms worked on for Senator  Willis Smith.  He also famously referred to the 1964 Civil Rights Act as “the single most dangerous piece of legislation ever introduced in the Congress”.

In 1972,  Helms became the first Republican Senator from North Carolina of the 20th century. Four years later he backed Ronald Reagan in the state’s presidential primary, handing Reagan’s lost cause campaign a victory that revived him enough to pose a serious challenge to  Gerald Ford at the Republican convention that year. Reagan lost the primary, but was positioned to take the party’s nomination in 1980- something that would have been impossible without the 1976 win in North Carolina.

Helms was savvy enough to know that fear and divisiveness alone don’t ensure victory at the polls, so he often resorted to old-fashioned cheating.  Helms’ North Carolina Congressional Club was repeatedly fined by the Federal Election Commission for illegally financing his campaigns. In 1992, the Helms campaign itself was penalized by the FEC for for mailing postcards to 125,000 black voters, threatening them with jail if they tried to exercise their right to vote.

For someone who professed such deep christianity, Helms racked up quite a reputation as a slumlord in Raleigh, even having separate management companies to handle his properties in the white and black sections of town.

It would be nice to believe that the death of Jesse Helms is symbolic of the decline of the politics of fear in our country- that maybe someday raising a boogyman (communists, blacks, muslims, gays, etc) won’t be enough to win elections or push agendas that go against the interests of average, working Americans.

I guess we’ll see in November.

Quitting Smoking

Posted by High Priestess Kang as Personal

…for the millionth time.  Or so it seems.

So I quit tobacco on the 16th of June.  One slip on the 22nd consisting of two cigarettes.  Since then, it’s been me, the patch and a lot of whining.

“They” say (and, “they” are always right) that the longer you go, the less frequent but the more severe the cravings are.  I have found this, in my previous attempts, to be completely true.  As it stands right now, I’m sitting at my desk, watching the clock.  “They” say massive cravings only last a few moments.  The on-set of my demon begin at 10.53.

Since that time, I have taken a walk around the parking lot, gobbled an anti-anxiety tablet, joined an internet forum for folks who are in the same boat, shed a tear and squeezed a coffee cup.  I’m still feeling like absolute hell.  If there were a small animal around, I should certain run over it with a car.

My rationale for quitting smoking is basic common sense.  While I loved my sole vice more than anything, working in healthcare has shown me exactly what is going to happen to my body if I continue.  It sucks.  It sucks having one vice and having to give up said vice.

I started thinking about substance abuse and withdrawal, in general.  Funny that you can enter rehab for alcohol, drugs, compulsive behaviours, etc… but there is no, “rehab” for us nicotine addicts.  We have to go it alone, through every day life, with every day pressures.  We have to suck it up.  There is no safe place for us to dry out and get the shit out of our system.  I wonder why that is?

If you haven’t noticed, I have been very quiet on the internets as of late.  Work has kept me quite occupied.  But, I have found a way to keep my mind active while not at work.  I have substituted my addiction for nicotine with a video game.  For some odd reason, while playing a game, I find myself less inclined to want a cigarette.  My mind is so preoccupied with the game, it’s a little emotional and mental tranquility for me.

None the less, I do wish there was some sort of treatment facility I could go hide at for thirty days.  It would make the process so much easier.  So, so much easier.

And what’s with the Nicotine Anonymous meetings, anyhow?  I noticed my local chapter meets ONCE A WEEK.  WTF?  Not once a day.  Once a phucking week.  I was hoping for a program I could attend in the morning and the evening.  Nope.  Sundays only.

:sighs:

And thus ends my fragmented rant.

For now.

I’m off for a good crying jag.

Rest in Peace, Tim Russert

Posted by High Priestess Kang as News

I can add nothing else to add other than, “Thank you for your service to the field of journalism.” This is a loss for all.

Please help…

Posted by High Priestess Kang as Personal

Shark’s sister-in-law lost everything she owns last night due to a tornado tearing up her Kansas town.

A list of needs will be compiled and posted shortly.  If you have anything to spare or wish to donate a gift card to Target or WallyWorld, please let me know.

Many thanks!

Bo Diddley, 1928-2008

Posted by Dock Ellis as Guest Author

You may not be familiar with his work, but Bo Diddley was a rock & roll pioneer on par with Chuck Berry, Carl Perkins, and that cracker from Memphis who used to wear a white jumpsuit. It’s a shame that in an age when that dumbass from American Idol gets called a “rocker”, we’re losing the old guard when we need them more than ever.

About 15 years ago I was working for a PA company in Denver, and we got hired to do a 20th wedding anniversary party at the Jerome hotel in Aspen. The customer was a wealthy developer who wanted to show off how rich he was by throwing a lavish party- standard issue stuff. The talent included the Spinners and Bo Diddley.

There was a catered lunch for the crew, and as I sat down to eat Bo walked in, carrying his square guitar case. He’d just gotten in from the airport.

“Hey man, can I grab a sandwich?” he asked.

“Sure” I said, “but they’ve got a hospitality suite for you down the hall if you want”

“Aw, fuck that- I’d rather eat with y’all if it’s OK”

So that’s how I had lunch with Bo Diddley. He was really cool- we shot the shit for awhile, and he told me that he hated doing corporate gigs being background music for rich people, but the money was too good to pass up. I told him I completely understood.

The gig itself was predictably boring. The entertainment is never the primary focus at events like these, it really is just like muzak. Bo was playing with a pickup function band from Denver, and like all such bands they were lame as a three legged horse. He had a couple new songs he was doing, and he was visibly frustrated that no one was paying any attention to his performance, and that his band wasn’t capable of generating any enthusiasm anyway.

Then, he broke a string. They finished up the song, and Bo started to restring. The FOH engineer (I was just a stage tech that night) muted his mic, but Bo was playing through a (rented) JC120. Just as he started to tune up, he cranked that thing wide open.JC120s are very, very loud. Bo then serenaded the monied elite of Aspen with his own special version of that old Chinese folk song Tu Ning for about five minutes. Every time he got the tuning close, he’d knock it out again and start over. It was hilarious. People started clapping their hands over their ears and storming out, and in the end, he pretty much cleared the hall.

He wasn’t done, though. After giving up on tuning (it was even more out of tune than when he’d started), he started beating on the guitar. He wasn’t really playing notes or chords, it was just a percussive roar of pure aggression. It sounded like a jet engine about to explode- Sonic Youth had nothing on this. Then, he stepped up to the mic and started screaming. No lyrics or melody, just a primal wail with a few choice profanities thrown in.The guys in the pickup band looked like deer in a spotlight. They just froze in horror as retirement age Bo started careening across the stage, duckwalking and doing Pete Townshendesque windmills. Finally, the drummer started in with the trademark Bo Diddley beat, and the other guys joined in. Bo then started playing slide with his mic stand. It was an apocalypse of explosive cacophony.

Finally, Bo leaned his guitar against the amp and stormed off stage. The guitar screamed with feedback for about a minute until the guitarist with the pickup band switched the amp off. I have never seen anything that embodied the pure rebellious spirit of rock & roll more than Bo Diddley did that night in Aspen. Rest in peace, brother.

Vroom!

Posted by High Priestess Kang as Amusement

Kangy’s got a new toy.

Meet Sven Olof.

The more things change…

Posted by High Priestess Kang as LOL Douchebags, Observations

…the more they don’t.

So here’s what’s been on my pea-sized brain lately…

My fellow high school chums are starting to network on FecesBook.  Allow me to say that high school, in general, was not one of the higher points in my life for a list of reasons tl/td to even address.  So happy was I to get the phuck out of there, I passed on any/all possibilities to go out and get teenage-wasted and managed to beat my parents back to the house post commencement.

Anyhoooo…getting in touch with some of my fellow asylum inmates has been a blast.  Truly.  I’m thrilled to learn that so many are happy and doing well with their lives.

On the other hand - I have come to the sick realization that some people simply will not evolve.  And I find that tragically sad, particularly given the fact that I graduated from the loony-bin 19 years ago.

Now, as most are aware, my first recourse would be to make a total mockery of them.  After all, if you’re so intellectually stunted that you want to revisit drama from 19 years ago, you’re asking for it.  Not only do I deem that free therapy (out of the kindness of my cold heart) but I feel it’s my public obligation to out tossers.  That and I derive a perverse pleasure from rubbing someone’s face in their own poo.

As it stands, I’m keeping mum.  For now.  Watching the train slowly wreck.  It wasn’t worth my time in 1989 and I don’t think it’s worth my time in 2008.

Then again - there is always that fit of boredom that drives me to do very, very naughty things on the internets.

When Dock Ellis graduated from high school, he flipped off his entire graduating class and lobbed his mortarboard at the principal (I had, erroneously, relayed to a friend that it was the superintendent.  He did not hurl his cap at him, he simply rebuked a handshake).  Once he was done making his statement, he left commencement early, diploma in hand and zero desire to return to the past.

If it wasn’t for the fact that some of the people I grew up with weren’t right cool - I should be doing the same.

Public Speaking

Posted by High Priestess Kang as Etiquette, Personal

Ugh.

Does anyone actually enjoy standing up and addressing a group of people? If so, please ply me with the drugs you take.

In school, I used to tear through my French Orals with a reckless abandon. Everyone was (mostly) impressed with my abilities to regurgitate garbage and answer questions rather quickly. Let me say this - it had nothing to do with my abilities to speak French. It had everything to do with my fear of standing up and yammering like a blithering idiot in front of a group of people (regardless of the fact that we probably horked over the same bowl the night before at a mixer).

My disdain for speaking aloud was reflected in a production meeting/mockery session at Tragic Boats. The VP of Ops imitated my high-pitched, squeakiness one day to the delight of everyone in the room. Thanks, asshat.

Today, I was thrown in front of a group of unyielding CFOs and fellow corporate comrades. No hiding behind a monitor and the written word for me. I had to speak, briefly and cogently to an audience who could give a rat’s ass about my rationale and only cared about the numbers.

Donning my new wardrobe of slutty librarian, I passed out my wild graphs and addressed the group. No stammering, no sputtering, no giggling…just a basic and somewhat forceful sounding explanation of my thought process. They actually seemed…:gasps:…impressed. Either that, or they were fixed on my b00bs.

Anyhooo…things are going swimmingly well. I’m chirpily explaining some analysis when someone asks me a question. One of my suppliers created a pitiful proposal which will result in a significant loss if anyone converted. The CFO says, “According to your (magnificent, stupendous - ok I added that) graph, such and such would lose money if they…” To which I responded, “That’s correct sir. They would be bathing in shame and loss.” That witty retort was welcomed by a roomful of crickets.

I could have, should have, self-immolated on the spot.

Fortunately for me, these folks seem to understand my rather disturbed sense of humour (or lack thereof) and my, “original” way of speaking. They courteously and professionally allowed me to correct myself with, “Erm…yes. A bath, indeed.”

Mayhap it’s best that I stay behind a monitor.

Slutty librarian gear, cats-eye glasses, tousled bed-head and all.

Garfield Minus Garfield

Posted by High Priestess Kang as Amusement

I take no credit for this find. Blame VikingHumpingWitch.

moar

My life…

Posted by High Priestess Kang as Personal

…as a consultant…

The average day now consists of:

• wake up
• stare at news
• throw on suit
• drive to work
• drop spores under fluorescent lighting
• molder in meetings
• demonstrate mad spreadsheet wizardry with formulas and graphs (yet - I couldn’t pass a math class at Uni if I tried)
• drink lunch over sink in kitchen
• more meetings, spreadsheets and spore dropping
• get in car
• rot in traffic
• come home
• kick dog (not really)
• get abused by cats
• hop over various guitar projects in living room
• eat take-away
• stare at tv
• troll internets
• fall asleep with book on face

Seriously. I absophuckinglutely love my job. I really do. And now that I have hired someone to clean up the house and take care of neglected domestic duties, I’m free to focus on work work work. w00t! The best part about being a consultant - no one micromanages you. No one tells you what to do. Particularly if you’re not having to truly log face time with the customer. Just throw on a suit, pull up a complex spreadsheet and people have a tendency to steer clear.

Now…if I could only find the time to address my neglected social responsibilities, I would be good to go. As it stands right now, I’m fighting the urge to fall asleep before the end of American Idol. Damn HenrythePenguin for getting me hooked on this shit.  Damn David Cook for reminding me of a younger version of Dock Ellis.

Lastly…Obama or Clinton? The primary is two weeks away and I’m actually undecided. I’m one of those idiots I criticize ad nauseam for not being able to make up her mind. Hooray for gross indifference.